I know, i know, i rarely update and usually when i do, it is because i am sad or down. Whatever it is, i rarely post when i am happy. Maybe it's cause i rarely am. It's 30 October 2019, 8 more days and i am taking my final paper. 10 more days and i am back in Singapore.

A lot of things has been going on. I am not okay. I am really not. I always think about dying, what happens when you die and those sort of things, however, i still fear death. It's hard to put into words what is going through my mind, it is all just so messy. I have only told stuff like this to Nadine, maybe Sua. They either understand or know how to make me feel better. Not like they have to, but usually when you confide in someone that's what you would hope for. 

The second semester of this year has been more tough. My parents are not strict with my grades, but i still do my best anyway. Thing is, I've gotten pressure from my aunt this semester about getting As and shit. She would always add it to texts she send me as a reminder. I get it, I know how much has been invested into my education here. but please, don't pressure me. I don't do well with pressure, I feel worse. Sua knows I have been trying my best, and i am honestly grateful for her. She is with me, every session to the library, getting us seats early in the morning and bringing me sandwiches cause i am broke, she is too nice. I love her a lot. & sometimes, your best is not good enough. my essay, which was worth 35%, i thought i would do really well for, i spent the entire week and kept emailing my lecturer to make sure i was on track. I only got 23% out of that 35%. what the actual, you have no idea how i felt. I wouldn't be able to get an A even if i get a full score on the final. that's nuts. aside from that, i think i still have a good chance of getting As for my other two papers. If the odds are in my favour. 

Education aside, my mental wellness. I do not know how it is nor if it is normal to be feeling the way I feel. again, i cannot tell anyone, they don't get it? I try to update my mum on things that bother me, how i am feeling in school and stuff because she gets worried. What is the point if she ignores me in the end or just replies with "k"? I understand that she does not know how to deal with situations like this, but if that is the case, then i would rather not say anything at all. She always goes back to prayer. Everything. if you're sick, pray. if you're stress, pray. do prayers work? I believe they do but to a certain extent. God works in ways that makes you help yourself, and does not just give it to you just because you ask for it. News of my classmate's passing got me really really messed up inside. Probably be the first and the last time i am mentioning him on this platform. Surya. My poly classmate, passed away. I am not close to him, neither did we talk a lot. But he left an impact big enough for me to be crying in the middle of the night just thinking he is really gone like that. It has been hard, my friends do not know. The only people i told were nadine, justin, sua and caca. Sua and Caca had their own worries also, they didn't reply as quick. My sister understands me the most and she texted me comforting words. Justin, a guy i have been contacting, he probably did the most, then again, he has a lot of time. I am just touched he gave me that time. I was on the phone, crying out of nowhere. Probably shocked him as well, but he stayed on the line and made sure i was okay before hanging up. Come to think of it, he only hung up after i fell asleep. if ever one day you see this , thank you justin ng. 

Times like this, i really wonder if people would care if i suddenly left the world. I posted something on my instagram, captioning it as " so i am really supposed to act like everything will be okay huh" or something like that. I did not post it to get a response, but after i did, my flatmate Mara came knocking on my door asking if i was okay. To which i responded yeah the story was about Wahi, who is not going to come back to Dunedin next year. Yes I am bummed out about that, but there is just so many things bothering me, i felt like just saying it was just because of that would close the case and it did.  Thank you for asking, mara and rishel, it makes me feel like hey, someone out there cares. Since no one else bothered to ask me (not like they are obligated to but it is nice to know u care). 

I think i have mentioned this, previously or somewhere. If i go one day, and i did this to myself, please do not cry or regret things you should have done. If you really wanted to, you would have done it when i was still alive. No, I wouldn't regret anything. I feel so much pain in my chest (not cause i am fat), i did hoping it relieves the pain for me. People say that suicide is not stopping the pain, it is passing the pain on to someone else. That pain i pass on, will not be the same amount of pain i dealt with for years. People mourn and they get over deaths. The pain will soon become acceptance. But the pain i feel now, it just keeps adding up. i do not know how to deal with it. 

That is all for today. x

I know, i know, i rarely update and usually when i do, it is because i am sad or down. Whatever it is, i rarely post when i am happy. Maybe it's cause i rarely am. It's 30 October 2019, 8 more days and i am taking my final paper. 10 more days and i am back in Singapore.

A lot of things has been going on. I am not okay. I am really not. I always think about dying, what happens when you die and those sort of things, however, i still fear death. It's hard to put into words what is going through my mind, it is all just so messy. I have only told stuff like this to Nadine, maybe Sua. They either understand or know how to make me feel better. Not like they have to, but usually when you confide in someone that's what you would hope for. 

The second semester of this year has been more tough. My parents are not strict with my grades, but i still do my best anyway. Thing is, I've gotten pressure from my aunt this semester about getting As and shit. She would always add it to texts she send me as a reminder. I get it, I know how much has been invested into my education here. but please, don't pressure me. I don't do well with pressure, I feel worse. Sua knows I have been trying my best, and i am honestly grateful for her. She is with me, every session to the library, getting us seats early in the morning and bringing me sandwiches cause i am broke, she is too nice. I love her a lot. & sometimes, your best is not good enough. my essay, which was worth 35%, i thought i would do really well for, i spent the entire week and kept emailing my lecturer to make sure i was on track. I only got 23% out of that 35%. what the actual, you have no idea how i felt. I wouldn't be able to get an A even if i get a full score on the final. that's nuts. aside from that, i think i still have a good chance of getting As for my other two papers. If the odds are in my favour. 

Education aside, my mental wellness. I do not know how it is nor if it is normal to be feeling the way I feel. again, i cannot tell anyone, they don't get it? I try to update my mum on things that bother me, how i am feeling in school and stuff because she gets worried. What is the point if she ignores me in the end or just replies with "k"? I understand that she does not know how to deal with situations like this, but if that is the case, then i would rather not say anything at all. She always goes back to prayer. Everything. if you're sick, pray. if you're stress, pray. do prayers work? I believe they do but to a certain extent. God works in ways that makes you help yourself, and does not just give it to you just because you ask for it. News of my classmate's passing got me really really messed up inside. Probably be the first and the last time i am mentioning him on this platform. Surya. My poly classmate, passed away. I am not close to him, neither did we talk a lot. But he left an impact big enough for me to be crying in the middle of the night just thinking he is really gone like that. It has been hard, my friends do not know. The only people i told were nadine, justin, sua and caca. Sua and Caca had their own worries also, they didn't reply as quick. My sister understands me the most and she texted me comforting words. Justin, a guy i have been contacting, he probably did the most, then again, he has a lot of time. I am just touched he gave me that time. I was on the phone, crying out of nowhere. Probably shocked him as well, but he stayed on the line and made sure i was okay before hanging up. Come to think of it, he only hung up after i fell asleep. if ever one day you see this , thank you justin ng. 

Times like this, i really wonder if people would care if i suddenly left the world. I posted something on my instagram, captioning it as " so i am really supposed to act like everything will be okay huh" or something like that. I did not post it to get a response, but after i did, my flatmate Mara came knocking on my door asking if i was okay. To which i responded yeah the story was about Wahi, who is not going to come back to Dunedin next year. Yes I am bummed out about that, but there is just so many things bothering me, i felt like just saying it was just because of that would close the case and it did.  Thank you for asking, mara and rishel, it makes me feel like hey, someone out there cares. Since no one else bothered to ask me (not like they are obligated to but it is nice to know u care). 

I think i have mentioned this, previously or somewhere. If i go one day, and i did this to myself, please do not cry or regret things you should have done. If you really wanted to, you would have done it when i was still alive. No, I wouldn't regret anything. I feel so much pain in my chest (not cause i am fat), i did hoping it relieves the pain for me. People say that suicide is not stopping the pain, it is passing the pain on to someone else. That pain i pass on, will not be the same amount of pain i dealt with for years. People mourn and they get over deaths. The pain will soon become acceptance. But the pain i feel now, it just keeps adding up. i do not know how to deal with it. 

That is all for today. x