A few days ago, someone from my past reached out and it’s left me feeling surprisingly confused. It was Kayden, my ex. Our relationship was always a bit strange, maybe even unbalanced. There was a five-year age gap between us, which didn’t bother me at the time… but looking back now, maybe it should have.

We had more downs than ups. Emotionally, it drained me. So, when I was offered a job in Auckland, I jumped at the opportunity. It felt like a way out...like I could finally catch my breath. In the lead-up to leaving, Kayden and I fought a lot. I was emotionally checked out, distant. Honestly, The idea of putting physical space between us felt like a relief. Still, we didn’t actually break up. We tried long-distance. Me in Auckland, him in Dunedin.

At first, it was manageable. A few video calls, small gestures like me sending him food or him surprising me with bubble tea. But that’s all I really remember. It’s been 3–4 years, and the details are fuzzy now. I don’t have our old chats or photos anymore. They’re all gone. I think the official end came during a trip back to Dunedin in December 2021. I visited him. We spent some time together, visited the house he bought. He gave me a necklace—a silver one with a helm. It was his first gift to me. Not my style, really, but I appreciated the gesture more than the gift itself. I was just happy I didn’t have to ask for it.

During that trip, I remember saying something along the lines of, “We both know this isn’t going to work.” He didn’t disagree. We didn’t end badly, though. We’d still occasionally message. I always tried to wish him happy birthday but he never returned the favour .

But then, everything changed. I think it was in 2023 or 2024. I wished him happy birthday and was immediately blocked. I don’t know for sure if it was him who did it, but that moment hit hard. It felt like a wake-up call. Why was I still trying to hold on to something that had clearly ended long ago?

I remember Kayden reaching out after the breakup always had a pattern: it ended with him asking for photos of how I looked. That chipped away at my confidence. So I wiped everything—our photos, our chats, the videos. Deleted. Gone. It was liberating, like shedding an old version of myself.

So here I am, now, reflecting on why his message shook me. I think… I did miss him, in a way. We ended up having two calls. The first was just catching up...figuring out why he reached out, sharing life updates. The second was more honest, more raw. The things we left unsaid.

We’ve both moved on. I’m engaged. He’s in a relationship, living with someone. We’re doing okay. And yet… there’s still this small ache. A question mark in my chest: What if? What if I had reached out before falling for my fiancé? What if things had been different?

But there’s also that version of me, the younger girl who loved him, whispering, It's not worth it.

I cried so much during that relationship. It wasn’t healthy. And I don’t blame him, he was young, and it was my first proper relationship. I was just trying so hard to keep him around. Maybe he has changed. He sounds different now. More mature. But do I really want to be the person he tests that growth on? 

The second call ended, and I was blocked again. Just like that. He said he missed me, that’s why he reached out. And honestly, I missed him too. There was a part of me that always would. But just because you miss someone, doesn’t mean they’re meant to come back into your life.

Missing someone doesn’t erase the reasons you let them go. It doesn’t fix the pain, the patterns, or the person you had to become to survive the relationship. Sometimes, missing someone is just a reflection of the love you gave and not necessarily the love you received.

Life doesn’t always give us second chances. And maybe that’s okay. I guess the closure I was looking for wasn’t a conversation, it was me choosing peace over curiosity.

Till next time xx

A few days ago, someone from my past reached out and it’s left me feeling surprisingly confused. It was Kayden, my ex. Our relationship was always a bit strange, maybe even unbalanced. There was a five-year age gap between us, which didn’t bother me at the time… but looking back now, maybe it should have.

We had more downs than ups. Emotionally, it drained me. So, when I was offered a job in Auckland, I jumped at the opportunity. It felt like a way out...like I could finally catch my breath. In the lead-up to leaving, Kayden and I fought a lot. I was emotionally checked out, distant. Honestly, The idea of putting physical space between us felt like a relief. Still, we didn’t actually break up. We tried long-distance. Me in Auckland, him in Dunedin.

At first, it was manageable. A few video calls, small gestures like me sending him food or him surprising me with bubble tea. But that’s all I really remember. It’s been 3–4 years, and the details are fuzzy now. I don’t have our old chats or photos anymore. They’re all gone. I think the official end came during a trip back to Dunedin in December 2021. I visited him. We spent some time together, visited the house he bought. He gave me a necklace—a silver one with a helm. It was his first gift to me. Not my style, really, but I appreciated the gesture more than the gift itself. I was just happy I didn’t have to ask for it.

During that trip, I remember saying something along the lines of, “We both know this isn’t going to work.” He didn’t disagree. We didn’t end badly, though. We’d still occasionally message. I always tried to wish him happy birthday but he never returned the favour .

But then, everything changed. I think it was in 2023 or 2024. I wished him happy birthday and was immediately blocked. I don’t know for sure if it was him who did it, but that moment hit hard. It felt like a wake-up call. Why was I still trying to hold on to something that had clearly ended long ago?

I remember Kayden reaching out after the breakup always had a pattern: it ended with him asking for photos of how I looked. That chipped away at my confidence. So I wiped everything—our photos, our chats, the videos. Deleted. Gone. It was liberating, like shedding an old version of myself.

So here I am, now, reflecting on why his message shook me. I think… I did miss him, in a way. We ended up having two calls. The first was just catching up...figuring out why he reached out, sharing life updates. The second was more honest, more raw. The things we left unsaid.

We’ve both moved on. I’m engaged. He’s in a relationship, living with someone. We’re doing okay. And yet… there’s still this small ache. A question mark in my chest: What if? What if I had reached out before falling for my fiancé? What if things had been different?

But there’s also that version of me, the younger girl who loved him, whispering, It's not worth it.

I cried so much during that relationship. It wasn’t healthy. And I don’t blame him, he was young, and it was my first proper relationship. I was just trying so hard to keep him around. Maybe he has changed. He sounds different now. More mature. But do I really want to be the person he tests that growth on? 

The second call ended, and I was blocked again. Just like that. He said he missed me, that’s why he reached out. And honestly, I missed him too. There was a part of me that always would. But just because you miss someone, doesn’t mean they’re meant to come back into your life.

Missing someone doesn’t erase the reasons you let them go. It doesn’t fix the pain, the patterns, or the person you had to become to survive the relationship. Sometimes, missing someone is just a reflection of the love you gave and not necessarily the love you received.

Life doesn’t always give us second chances. And maybe that’s okay. I guess the closure I was looking for wasn’t a conversation, it was me choosing peace over curiosity.

Till next time xx