Hi, i don't know if you will see this, having given you my blog link before, but yeah. 2 days ago, Koji passed away and till now, I haven't seen you or heard from you. I have been visiting you, hoping you will be home, i just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I wrote you a letter and gave it to your mom to pass to you, i do not know if you got it yet. I hope you did. I want to give you time to be alone, at the same time, i want to be there for you. i have seen the way you treat koji, i know you love it a lot. And i love it too. I met him when he was little and watch it grow up. I feel like shit knowing i was in school when it happened, and i could have been there for you. I didn't know tings will turn out this way, but i guess this is the reason why people regret... because they did not know. Wow, how silly is that...

 Anda, I always say i will be there for you when you need me. Where was I? In school? Could not even pick up your calls?? Thats so fucked up. Thats me... I was asleeep, i did not reject your call, the only time i do, i will call you back. But why, on this day, having seen your miss calls and messages, I did not even bother to call back but only send a stupid message replying you... 2 hours later. So many things can happen in 2 hours and this situation has shown us the negative side. I only found out the bad news late in the evening, it was during then i rushed over only to see you with Shamina, I felt.. relieved. It felt right. You had a friend with you, thats what you needed. Thats when I passed the note to your mom. I am your friend, your friend who said she will be there for you no matter what and because of school? because i was tired? I missed the biggest chance i had to prove that to you. You really have no idea how fucked up I feel about this, my life was already a mess, but most of it, you were there to go through it with me. I know crying is useless, but how else can I express how sad i am.I did not even get the chance to say goodbye, or go for the burial. I just know he is gone and i was not there with him, and you. 

Am i affect by this? Yes, A lot. I care that we haven't talked since. I care that I still feel scared and feel like crying every time i walk towards your house door ever since the incident. I care that this might change our friendship and that we may never be close again. I care about how you might not be eating well because of the incident. I care, that's why i haven't stopped trying to look for you. I just want to know you are okay, okay enough to carry on your life and slowly recover. If not, I wanna help you... Bring you to places in Singapore, pretend like we are tourist, do things we wouldn't do in Singapore, for the fun of it, just to get our minds off things and act like we had no cares. 

I have lost my pet before, 5-6 times, all hamsters. Small, but i loved them a lot. My siblings, Nicholas would laugh, nicole and nadine did not really care much either. My parents would say things like,

"Die alr or not?" 

 "Tell you don't keep this kind of pet, very fast die"

"who ask you never take care?"

I myself know hamsters do not live very long, but the thing idk is how my parents would say stuff like this. Pets are pets, you buy them cause you love them and you want to take care of them. Its like having a child. Why would you give birth to me if you knew i was gonna die one day?? That is the same reason I got a pet. The first one died in the cage, came home and found it dead. Since then, i held every single one till it passed on and gave it a nice bed to sleep on the way to heaven. Where else could they go? they are innocent. I felt their last breath on my palm, how they shivered and their soul flew off. I did not kill them and watch them die of pleasure, i brought them to vets and such. Hamsters are so delicate... cannot do much... the vet told me. I just wanted them to know i was with them through their death and i loved them a lot, thats why i held them in my hand, They would die while resting on my palm, warm. Unlike their cage, which is nice too, but cold, isolated. I kissed each and everyone before i leave for school in the morning and when i come home. I cried each and every time each of them left me. & i had NO ONE, no one beside me, to comfort me, NOT EVEN MY SIBLINGS. My friends did comfort me over the phone, but the calls did not last long.

So anda, i am glad your mother and siblings understand your pain, and that you have so many people telling you to stay strong and that its in a better place. You have so many people that care about you and i know you know that. I know how it feels to lose a pet, which is why this is even harder for me to not feel bad. I live so near i could have been beside you in a split second. I wanted to be there for you, like the friend I needed when my hamsters died, but did not have. 

 I have had sammy for the longest time compared to the rest and i really love her. It died on christmas, everyone was at my house, but i ran to the room and cried because it was dying, it had a stroke. I watched it spazz and pee itself and struggled for air, i held its tiny hands, but that was all, i couldn't deal with it alone... No one was there. My relatives came in and asked whats going on but that was it, no one came over, no one said anything, anything i wanted to hear. 

I just want to say that you have so many people here for you now, whether it is through the instagram comments, twitter notifications or your family, there are so many people who care for you and want you to feel better. I want you to feel better, seeing you sad like this makes me upset, it makes me want to cry. I blame myself for not picking up your calls and for texting you insensitively when you did not reply. I blame myself because if i picked up your call, i would have been there, WITH YOU. We might have found koji before anything bad could happen, and if anything bad happened, I was there WITH YOU. BUT I WASN'T. thats why i blame myself. I made promises to have your back and i did not keep that promise. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I wanna make it up to you. I dk how, but i will. In this lifetime. 

Hi, i don't know if you will see this, having given you my blog link before, but yeah. 2 days ago, Koji passed away and till now, I haven't seen you or heard from you. I have been visiting you, hoping you will be home, i just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I wrote you a letter and gave it to your mom to pass to you, i do not know if you got it yet. I hope you did. I want to give you time to be alone, at the same time, i want to be there for you. i have seen the way you treat koji, i know you love it a lot. And i love it too. I met him when he was little and watch it grow up. I feel like shit knowing i was in school when it happened, and i could have been there for you. I didn't know tings will turn out this way, but i guess this is the reason why people regret... because they did not know. Wow, how silly is that...

 Anda, I always say i will be there for you when you need me. Where was I? In school? Could not even pick up your calls?? Thats so fucked up. Thats me... I was asleeep, i did not reject your call, the only time i do, i will call you back. But why, on this day, having seen your miss calls and messages, I did not even bother to call back but only send a stupid message replying you... 2 hours later. So many things can happen in 2 hours and this situation has shown us the negative side. I only found out the bad news late in the evening, it was during then i rushed over only to see you with Shamina, I felt.. relieved. It felt right. You had a friend with you, thats what you needed. Thats when I passed the note to your mom. I am your friend, your friend who said she will be there for you no matter what and because of school? because i was tired? I missed the biggest chance i had to prove that to you. You really have no idea how fucked up I feel about this, my life was already a mess, but most of it, you were there to go through it with me. I know crying is useless, but how else can I express how sad i am.I did not even get the chance to say goodbye, or go for the burial. I just know he is gone and i was not there with him, and you. 

Am i affect by this? Yes, A lot. I care that we haven't talked since. I care that I still feel scared and feel like crying every time i walk towards your house door ever since the incident. I care that this might change our friendship and that we may never be close again. I care about how you might not be eating well because of the incident. I care, that's why i haven't stopped trying to look for you. I just want to know you are okay, okay enough to carry on your life and slowly recover. If not, I wanna help you... Bring you to places in Singapore, pretend like we are tourist, do things we wouldn't do in Singapore, for the fun of it, just to get our minds off things and act like we had no cares. 

I have lost my pet before, 5-6 times, all hamsters. Small, but i loved them a lot. My siblings, Nicholas would laugh, nicole and nadine did not really care much either. My parents would say things like,

"Die alr or not?" 

 "Tell you don't keep this kind of pet, very fast die"

"who ask you never take care?"

I myself know hamsters do not live very long, but the thing idk is how my parents would say stuff like this. Pets are pets, you buy them cause you love them and you want to take care of them. Its like having a child. Why would you give birth to me if you knew i was gonna die one day?? That is the same reason I got a pet. The first one died in the cage, came home and found it dead. Since then, i held every single one till it passed on and gave it a nice bed to sleep on the way to heaven. Where else could they go? they are innocent. I felt their last breath on my palm, how they shivered and their soul flew off. I did not kill them and watch them die of pleasure, i brought them to vets and such. Hamsters are so delicate... cannot do much... the vet told me. I just wanted them to know i was with them through their death and i loved them a lot, thats why i held them in my hand, They would die while resting on my palm, warm. Unlike their cage, which is nice too, but cold, isolated. I kissed each and everyone before i leave for school in the morning and when i come home. I cried each and every time each of them left me. & i had NO ONE, no one beside me, to comfort me, NOT EVEN MY SIBLINGS. My friends did comfort me over the phone, but the calls did not last long.

So anda, i am glad your mother and siblings understand your pain, and that you have so many people telling you to stay strong and that its in a better place. You have so many people that care about you and i know you know that. I know how it feels to lose a pet, which is why this is even harder for me to not feel bad. I live so near i could have been beside you in a split second. I wanted to be there for you, like the friend I needed when my hamsters died, but did not have. 

 I have had sammy for the longest time compared to the rest and i really love her. It died on christmas, everyone was at my house, but i ran to the room and cried because it was dying, it had a stroke. I watched it spazz and pee itself and struggled for air, i held its tiny hands, but that was all, i couldn't deal with it alone... No one was there. My relatives came in and asked whats going on but that was it, no one came over, no one said anything, anything i wanted to hear. 

I just want to say that you have so many people here for you now, whether it is through the instagram comments, twitter notifications or your family, there are so many people who care for you and want you to feel better. I want you to feel better, seeing you sad like this makes me upset, it makes me want to cry. I blame myself for not picking up your calls and for texting you insensitively when you did not reply. I blame myself because if i picked up your call, i would have been there, WITH YOU. We might have found koji before anything bad could happen, and if anything bad happened, I was there WITH YOU. BUT I WASN'T. thats why i blame myself. I made promises to have your back and i did not keep that promise. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I wanna make it up to you. I dk how, but i will. In this lifetime.