Sometimes things get too much
Friday, November 21, 2014
Hi everyone, I have been having a tough week, the lack of support is really getting to me and i am upset with myself as i am unable to discipline myself for school, meaning i do not get up in time for school and such. Previously, it has happened before, in year 1, it was so bad to the point that if i missed any more lessons i was going to get debarred. I do not know what is happening. The last time it happened was in secondary 2. After that i had near perfect attendance, apart from the days i was ill. Now its like i do not even have the motivation to get up for school, like it has no point. I feel like I am wasting my time studying something i thought i enjoyed. In year one, even when I missed lessons, I would still complete my assignments in time for the submission. But now, my assignments are late. This is week 5, i missed 3/4 days of school. But all with mc, having known i cant miss anymore lessons. This week is also known as submission week, i have 3 assignments to be submitted. All of which i submitted LATE. I have training again, and i wanna use it to get my mind of the stress i am facing in classes, but i missed them because of fatigue. The only time i was ready... training was cancelled. Which sucked balls. I miss having to fight for something. Having to want something so bad to the point when i did not get it, i would cry, because i knew how hard i tried. And at that point, even if my parents did not support me, i know i did my best. Which is how i felt when i did not make it for POL-ITE last year. Having seniors and other mates supporting me and cheering me up was all i needed, they believed i could go far with a little more practice and that made me believe in myself also. I only have one last shot at playing for POL-ITE, and I will train till i get there.
Being at home, sick, these few days made me realise something. There are only so little people you can depend on, and so many things waiting for you. I just got my laptop, and i was pondering whether or not i should quit school and do something else. My brother talked to me, he said i should just continue and do something i like once i graduate. That way i do not waste my parents' money. He is having holidays now and he has no problems waking up early, So i asked him, from next week onwards, starting monday the 24th of november 2014, wake me up and make sure i go to school. Bring me to the bus stop and do whatever it takes for me to finish the course and get the fuck out of this stressful life. I am going to go to school, finish my assignments, graduate and do whatever the fuck makes me happy. I will work my ass off to get the money i need to start my travelling around the world in the search to find something i want to do for the rest of my life. I am done with people looking down on me, I am done with people only caring when it is too late. I am done doing things to impress people, everything i do now is for MYSELF. I will make myself proud and make my dreams come true. I do not need guys to tell me i am pretty to gain self confidence, sure, its nice to hear but it rarely changes anything. I will build my self confidence and love myself more. No more doing things that will harm my body, NO MORE.
I look at my pictures, my old self and see myself so happy and free. Compared to now, i do not find a reason to smile, my heart feels heavy, it is pulling me down. I want to go back. After O levels, Nothing to worry about, enjoying life, having fun with my friends. Back to prom, when we would just intoxicate ourselves with happiness and company of our friends, and the Chinese new year performance i had so much fun preparing for, which we won hands down.
So what if i was fat, no one said anything, my friends supported me and told me things that comforted me, things friends say to make another feel better. They do not say it for the sake of it, they say it because they want to help me, or they genuinely believe that I am more than what i look. The people that care what is on the inside and not on the outside. Although there may not be many, having those few friends are enough. They are slowly piecing me together. Getting my life back on track.
People who do not know me would think i am playing truant when i do not come to school, its more than that. Its an emotional blanket that covers me every morning when i think, "should I go?" I start expecting what people will say or how lost i will get during classes, and how i was going to catch up with the rest. Negativity would flood my brain and i end up not going. My classmates are very nice and helpful, but still, during tests and internship, its gonna be every man for themselves. i am almost a 100% sure i would not be in the media industry. I want to work with animals, spend my life cuddling and treating animals. Idk, if all else fails, i would just give my life to god. No cert needed, just commitment and dedication to serving the lord and others. Which is good too. When people ask me how has this year been, I would often think.. oh right, its already November, the year is ending, so how has it been? SHIT. This year no doubt, has been the worst. I am 18, with no freedom, no future, i am not happy. My parents have clipped my wings tight, they are the ones holding me back from whatever i want to do, holding me back, not trusting me when i tell them i am sick, not giving me the minimal support i need. But after attending a talk, i realised, thats alright, i do not need them, if i fall down, no one else is going to pick me up but myself. Having said this, i am going to work at my best to turn my life around, having some help from the people around me who care.
Now, i want to thank the people who have bothered sending me any form of concern. Whether it is a text, phone call, tweet or talking to me in person. You know yourself very well if you said anything to me during the past few days whether it may be a ," you okay?" or "what happened?" Thank you so much for asking, I may not have replied as honestly as i should but please just know i appreciate it a lot. It is really nice to know that you care and that if anything were to happened to me you would say something nice. The thing that shocked me a little was that people i am not close to asked me or talked to me just to check if i was alright, some of my closest friends however, were busy and all so they didn't say anything. I feel stronger reading your messages and hearing that you will be there for me and you were. I am sorry for doubting you in the past, I didn't know some of the problems you had and i apologize for not being there enough though i was there A LOT. but thank you.
I do not need parents to encounter an experience of love, i know that. Thank you for supporting me and trusting me when everyone i thought i could depend on didn't. Thank you, i will make my life better for myself and i will be happy.
