Hi, so i am moving up to Auckland next Sunday, i secured a job there and they want me up asap. Things with Kayden have been rough, at least i think so. There is this thought in the back of my mind believing we will not last once i move up. 

I have been anticipating this change. Starting a new life and finally making a decent buck. I was thinking how I can still have Kayden in my life while I am there. Phone calls every day? Flying down to see him during my break at the end of the year?? Sending him massage packages?? All sorts of things. But as THAT Sunday approaches, I no longer feel as confident about our relationship working out. It is not as though I plan to find other guys while I am up there, his attention would suffice. I just can’t get the thought of how I will not be able to control his drinking habits and neither will I be sure of what he does when he gets drunk. No one does. 

I got upset recently having found out he drunk texted and called my flatmate looking for me. Yes the second half of that statement might validate his actions but why her. He knows how I feel about her. Just why. I even told her not to respond in the future if she gets texts from Kayden. But she did it anyway. She replied before telling me, as i expected she would. 

That got me so angry and annoyed with him as he did not even attempt to make things better and all he saw in me was attitude for no reason at all. This was when I start to think ok we are definitely not right for each other. The guy I am supposed to be with would not treat me like that and would try and make me feel better. I was determined on ending it right there and then but my attempt failed and I was left crying in my car , annoyed. 

Sua stayed over and cheered me up till she had to leave. That’s when everything went dark. He did not send me any texts and ignored my snap. I was left lonely and upset in my room, my heart was filled with so much negative emotions I decided to meditate. Helped for a min or two and the feelings came back. I threw myself under the sheets and tried to sleep off the sadness I felt, hoping that when I wake up, there will be a message from him waiting for me. 1 hour passed, nothing. 

I caved and messaged him a piece of my mind. Telling him I was never good enough, since he never did stuff I would like him to do, and in some occasions, did it for previous girls. A response. Finally. Very minimal effort response - ‘okay, i see your side, come get me’ but it counts. I was not about to drive to his house and back again ( i did that the day before) so i told him if he wanted to come he can drive over himself. 

Fast forward 1.5-2 hours of endless babbling and both of us not understanding each other’s point of view. We came to a middle ground. He brought up something about death, or I don’t know how we got on the topic but I started opening up about my thoughts of dying in my sleep in the room I lived at.  God always takes people when they are living their best lives. Although I am not , I had a feeling anyway. ( see previous post ) that conversation did not end well. You see, he has had a bad past with girls and suicide. So he thought that I was trying to put that thought into his head - i was gonna kill myself. No. That was not what I meant. I just wanted him to know sometimes those thoughts come to my mind and i am comfortable enough around him to tell him so. Not anymore obviously. I wouldn’t want to open up to him again knowing he will think I am trying to make him think Im gonna kill myself. 

Right after that he started kissing me and I knew he wanted to engage in some sort of sexual activity. But i was still troubled from his response about my dying thoughts. He then laughed and said ,” you don’t like me at all”, I was not reciprocating the way he wanted me to. He didn’t get it, he never did. It happened anyway and all I could think about was how he told me I was bad at pleasuring him and I no longer turned him on. Thank you. That is going to leave a mark for sure. 

Good night. 

 Hi, so i am moving up to Auckland next Sunday, i secured a job there and they want me up asap. Things with Kayden have been rough, at least i think so. There is this thought in the back of my mind believing we will not last once i move up. 

I have been anticipating this change. Starting a new life and finally making a decent buck. I was thinking how I can still have Kayden in my life while I am there. Phone calls every day? Flying down to see him during my break at the end of the year?? Sending him massage packages?? All sorts of things. But as THAT Sunday approaches, I no longer feel as confident about our relationship working out. It is not as though I plan to find other guys while I am up there, his attention would suffice. I just can’t get the thought of how I will not be able to control his drinking habits and neither will I be sure of what he does when he gets drunk. No one does. 

I got upset recently having found out he drunk texted and called my flatmate looking for me. Yes the second half of that statement might validate his actions but why her. He knows how I feel about her. Just why. I even told her not to respond in the future if she gets texts from Kayden. But she did it anyway. She replied before telling me, as i expected she would. 

That got me so angry and annoyed with him as he did not even attempt to make things better and all he saw in me was attitude for no reason at all. This was when I start to think ok we are definitely not right for each other. The guy I am supposed to be with would not treat me like that and would try and make me feel better. I was determined on ending it right there and then but my attempt failed and I was left crying in my car , annoyed. 

Sua stayed over and cheered me up till she had to leave. That’s when everything went dark. He did not send me any texts and ignored my snap. I was left lonely and upset in my room, my heart was filled with so much negative emotions I decided to meditate. Helped for a min or two and the feelings came back. I threw myself under the sheets and tried to sleep off the sadness I felt, hoping that when I wake up, there will be a message from him waiting for me. 1 hour passed, nothing. 

I caved and messaged him a piece of my mind. Telling him I was never good enough, since he never did stuff I would like him to do, and in some occasions, did it for previous girls. A response. Finally. Very minimal effort response - ‘okay, i see your side, come get me’ but it counts. I was not about to drive to his house and back again ( i did that the day before) so i told him if he wanted to come he can drive over himself. 

Fast forward 1.5-2 hours of endless babbling and both of us not understanding each other’s point of view. We came to a middle ground. He brought up something about death, or I don’t know how we got on the topic but I started opening up about my thoughts of dying in my sleep in the room I lived at.  God always takes people when they are living their best lives. Although I am not , I had a feeling anyway. ( see previous post ) that conversation did not end well. You see, he has had a bad past with girls and suicide. So he thought that I was trying to put that thought into his head - i was gonna kill myself. No. That was not what I meant. I just wanted him to know sometimes those thoughts come to my mind and i am comfortable enough around him to tell him so. Not anymore obviously. I wouldn’t want to open up to him again knowing he will think I am trying to make him think Im gonna kill myself. 

Right after that he started kissing me and I knew he wanted to engage in some sort of sexual activity. But i was still troubled from his response about my dying thoughts. He then laughed and said ,” you don’t like me at all”, I was not reciprocating the way he wanted me to. He didn’t get it, he never did. It happened anyway and all I could think about was how he told me I was bad at pleasuring him and I no longer turned him on. Thank you. That is going to leave a mark for sure. 

Good night.