I just finished watching a kdrama called squid game. It’s about people who are in huge debts being brought in to play a game at a chance of winning money ( a lot of money ) only catch is that they either win or they die. 

So i was thinking what happens if i do not wake up tomorrow, what about all the things I want to say? There are many posts on my blog that would tell any readers the state of my mental health,m. There are diaries in my room that i write in when i feel sad. Heaps of information that could tell people what I was going through if God were to take me away. But just in case, i think i have to post something here. 

First off, although it would be a great thing to die in my sleep, the timing is not the best. My life is going good with Kayden on my side, although i might be leaving to Auckland in a month. Oh did i mention? I will be done with 4 years of school in 1 month. Well sort of. I have one more paper but its a distance learning paper so I’m technically done. Here comes all the other reasons why it’s not a good time for me to die. 

1. I’m in debt to my parents. School has cost me around $200k and i have not yet received the Bachelor’s degree (that my parents probably can’t be here for too - COVID-19 restrictions) 

2. Uh… 

That is it actually. Multiple times in my life I have thought about ending everything, overdose (attempted but failed), blood loss, jumping off something (thought of but never tried) but it did not work out. Most of the time i think of my parents and how they would feel. Not so much about losing me as their daughter though, more of “how irresponsible can she be to leave without completing her degree after we spent/sacrificed so much for her to do so”. It would seem pretty selfish for me to just take that hundreds of thousands and let it all go to waste through my suicide. They would probably have to spend another $20k just to pay off my funeral. That’s why I can’t do it. That is the only thing holding me back. Once i pay off my debt, i would feel as though there is nothing holding me back anymore and i can finally go as i wanted.

It is a mental issue. I don’t know what exactly. But something is wrong. It started ages ago, probably 2016 if you want to read the archive and i never talked to anyone. Well anyone that could help me. 

In 2020, i texted for the first time ever a suicide hotline and told them about my problems, how i was affected by my grandma’s death and how school stressed me out and whoever was on the other end, responded well enough for me to stop thinking about ending my life for that day. I decided maybe i should talk to someone on the phone next. Baby steps. I don’t recall when exactly it happened but when it did, oh i regret it so much. The man on the other end was asking for details about how i would attempt suicide and the dark thoughts that crossed my mind. It was almost like he was encouraging me or saying my feelings were invalid. I regretted calling. I was crying on the phone when Kayden came over and most of the comforting was done by him later on. HE made me feel better. Not the man on the phone who was supposed to be the helpline. 

Recently, My mind was acting up again so I emailed an OUSA student support advisor, Beth. They work with the uni and i spoke to her once while trying to get some additional funding. She was nice and listened and although i wasn’t eligible for the OUSA hardship fund, she did help me get the Student relief fund. I thought i could trust her. I went on the OUSA website and found her contact and sent an email enquiry. No one got back to me. Its been a couple weeks now. At times like this i feel like no one cares enough to help me, but maybe she never got that email? We will never know. 

Anyway back to my “if i die tomorrow” plan. I don’t have much, nothing at all. I have material stuff, clothes, some contact lenses , new glasses on the way etc. But my bank? As of today? $740 in savings . I do have a car though, a 1999 Nissan Sunny. The first car i bought secondhand in Feb this year. I’m planning to sell it before i move up to Auckland, so if i die after that, the amount of savings i have might be more. That money will go to my parents of course. To pay the huge debt i owe. I want everything erased on my phone, every picture, every text, everything. Unless its something tangible , i do not want it around. Digital images, voice recordings, should be deleted. I would want it that way. As for my stuff, do whatever you want with it, keep it? Sell it? Burn it? It doesn’t matter. But maybe have some stuff i usually like sitting on my grave. That’ll be cute. 

You never know when you will die. And i want to make sure i get what i want to say across while I can. Someone somewhere has to know what i thought about before I died, what i wanted to say. The stories I never got to share. Everything. 

The 4 years I’ve spent in Dunedin was mostly with friends, Caca, Sua, and now Kayden. To be really honest, its been mostly Kayden and Sua. They know me well, they know when I am out of it and when i need to be alone. I am so glad i have them here. Maybe thats why i never felt that homesick. 

Sua’s mum would call her everyday, to talk to her and ask her how she is even though she is in Christchurch and they see each other every few months. I feel jealous of that bond. Being so close to your daughter and checking up on them when they are away, thats what i like. My mum doesn’t do that. For the first 3 years she wouldn’t ever call me, i would call her when i felt stressed and overwhelmed and she would pick up. This year though and maybe part of 2020 as well, i have been calling her randomly and having hour long conversations with her just seeing how everything is. A lot of the time, my brother and sisters would tell me how my mum was having a temper tantrum and acting up. That triggered the phone calls, and i have since been checking up on her. You know what it feels like? Typing all this out? I feel like i am taken for granted. I am always thinking of my mum and dad. Do they think of me? Or is it different now that they have a granddaughter and their own parents to worry about? When i call these days, it seems like she is too busy to talk and i feel dejected. I call because I’m thinking of her. When she is upset and my siblings aren’t patient enough to deal with her, i check up on her. When her mum passed away couple months ago ( my other grandma) i checked on her too. I never got to properly say goodbye so it’s been difficult on me. That probably added on to my emotional baggage too.

I have no idea where i was going with that paragraph. But if I don’t wake up tomorrow, please note: 

To my mum, I wish you spoke to me more and checked up on me like i checked up on you. I wish you would listen to what i had to say and gave me advice a mother would give their child and not ask me to pray all the time. Prayers help but sometimes a mother’s love works best. I love you so much I wish you saw all the great things I did in college. 

To my dad, you supported me financially throughout my uni life and i am beyond grateful. But i too wish you had spent more time talking to me on the phone. Our phone calls never last more than 30 mins and it upsets me. I haven’t seen you or anyone from our family in almost 2 years, i miss you and i wish you missed me too. Nothing will change the love i have for you though. I love you.

To Nadine, there are many reasons why our sisterly bond is so strong. You would be the one that knows the most about how much i have been struggling. Whether its body image, financially or school, you helped me through it all, just like i would help you. You always check on me and i love every minute and second of our phone calls. You’ve raised a very adorable baby who will grow and achieve great things. I love you so much and hey, you probably saw it coming. 

To Nicole and Nicholas, i love you both. You are not the best texters or the most active on your phones, but thank you for letting me know you are thinking of me when you send memes. I honestly miss when we were closer back home and i thought you would talk to me more often while I’m here in NZ, but we all get busy its okay. The favourite sibling spot is taken anyway. 

To Whaifen, hey bestie, i don’t think i have mentioned anything about my suicidal thoughts to you. But i am as mentally unstable. Thank you for the birthday gifts and wishes every year I was away. You never fail to let me know you care and you remember. You’re always the first and last person i meet when i go back during Summer (the first and last i wanna meet too). Thank you for being a great friend to me and my family. Take care of yourself. I love you.

To Kayden, we have been through a rough road and i have done things to upset you and cause our break ups in the past but what we have achieved after all this time was worth it. You have taught me things about life and money. You help me learn to talk to you when i have a problem and not lash out on you. We have been going so good and learning after every fight we have. Thank you for making me a better person. I love you to the moon and back. 

To everyone else, thank you for leaving your footprint on my path. Everything happens for a reason and your presence in my life made a difference ( you know yourself what memories we shared ) . Let’s keep the happy memories alive and kill off the rest. May you be happy always. 

Goodnight everyone x 

 I just finished watching a kdrama called squid game. It’s about people who are in huge debts being brought in to play a game at a chance of winning money ( a lot of money ) only catch is that they either win or they die. 

So i was thinking what happens if i do not wake up tomorrow, what about all the things I want to say? There are many posts on my blog that would tell any readers the state of my mental health,m. There are diaries in my room that i write in when i feel sad. Heaps of information that could tell people what I was going through if God were to take me away. But just in case, i think i have to post something here. 

First off, although it would be a great thing to die in my sleep, the timing is not the best. My life is going good with Kayden on my side, although i might be leaving to Auckland in a month. Oh did i mention? I will be done with 4 years of school in 1 month. Well sort of. I have one more paper but its a distance learning paper so I’m technically done. Here comes all the other reasons why it’s not a good time for me to die. 

1. I’m in debt to my parents. School has cost me around $200k and i have not yet received the Bachelor’s degree (that my parents probably can’t be here for too - COVID-19 restrictions) 

2. Uh… 

That is it actually. Multiple times in my life I have thought about ending everything, overdose (attempted but failed), blood loss, jumping off something (thought of but never tried) but it did not work out. Most of the time i think of my parents and how they would feel. Not so much about losing me as their daughter though, more of “how irresponsible can she be to leave without completing her degree after we spent/sacrificed so much for her to do so”. It would seem pretty selfish for me to just take that hundreds of thousands and let it all go to waste through my suicide. They would probably have to spend another $20k just to pay off my funeral. That’s why I can’t do it. That is the only thing holding me back. Once i pay off my debt, i would feel as though there is nothing holding me back anymore and i can finally go as i wanted.

It is a mental issue. I don’t know what exactly. But something is wrong. It started ages ago, probably 2016 if you want to read the archive and i never talked to anyone. Well anyone that could help me. 

In 2020, i texted for the first time ever a suicide hotline and told them about my problems, how i was affected by my grandma’s death and how school stressed me out and whoever was on the other end, responded well enough for me to stop thinking about ending my life for that day. I decided maybe i should talk to someone on the phone next. Baby steps. I don’t recall when exactly it happened but when it did, oh i regret it so much. The man on the other end was asking for details about how i would attempt suicide and the dark thoughts that crossed my mind. It was almost like he was encouraging me or saying my feelings were invalid. I regretted calling. I was crying on the phone when Kayden came over and most of the comforting was done by him later on. HE made me feel better. Not the man on the phone who was supposed to be the helpline. 

Recently, My mind was acting up again so I emailed an OUSA student support advisor, Beth. They work with the uni and i spoke to her once while trying to get some additional funding. She was nice and listened and although i wasn’t eligible for the OUSA hardship fund, she did help me get the Student relief fund. I thought i could trust her. I went on the OUSA website and found her contact and sent an email enquiry. No one got back to me. Its been a couple weeks now. At times like this i feel like no one cares enough to help me, but maybe she never got that email? We will never know. 

Anyway back to my “if i die tomorrow” plan. I don’t have much, nothing at all. I have material stuff, clothes, some contact lenses , new glasses on the way etc. But my bank? As of today? $740 in savings . I do have a car though, a 1999 Nissan Sunny. The first car i bought secondhand in Feb this year. I’m planning to sell it before i move up to Auckland, so if i die after that, the amount of savings i have might be more. That money will go to my parents of course. To pay the huge debt i owe. I want everything erased on my phone, every picture, every text, everything. Unless its something tangible , i do not want it around. Digital images, voice recordings, should be deleted. I would want it that way. As for my stuff, do whatever you want with it, keep it? Sell it? Burn it? It doesn’t matter. But maybe have some stuff i usually like sitting on my grave. That’ll be cute. 

You never know when you will die. And i want to make sure i get what i want to say across while I can. Someone somewhere has to know what i thought about before I died, what i wanted to say. The stories I never got to share. Everything. 

The 4 years I’ve spent in Dunedin was mostly with friends, Caca, Sua, and now Kayden. To be really honest, its been mostly Kayden and Sua. They know me well, they know when I am out of it and when i need to be alone. I am so glad i have them here. Maybe thats why i never felt that homesick. 

Sua’s mum would call her everyday, to talk to her and ask her how she is even though she is in Christchurch and they see each other every few months. I feel jealous of that bond. Being so close to your daughter and checking up on them when they are away, thats what i like. My mum doesn’t do that. For the first 3 years she wouldn’t ever call me, i would call her when i felt stressed and overwhelmed and she would pick up. This year though and maybe part of 2020 as well, i have been calling her randomly and having hour long conversations with her just seeing how everything is. A lot of the time, my brother and sisters would tell me how my mum was having a temper tantrum and acting up. That triggered the phone calls, and i have since been checking up on her. You know what it feels like? Typing all this out? I feel like i am taken for granted. I am always thinking of my mum and dad. Do they think of me? Or is it different now that they have a granddaughter and their own parents to worry about? When i call these days, it seems like she is too busy to talk and i feel dejected. I call because I’m thinking of her. When she is upset and my siblings aren’t patient enough to deal with her, i check up on her. When her mum passed away couple months ago ( my other grandma) i checked on her too. I never got to properly say goodbye so it’s been difficult on me. That probably added on to my emotional baggage too.

I have no idea where i was going with that paragraph. But if I don’t wake up tomorrow, please note: 

To my mum, I wish you spoke to me more and checked up on me like i checked up on you. I wish you would listen to what i had to say and gave me advice a mother would give their child and not ask me to pray all the time. Prayers help but sometimes a mother’s love works best. I love you so much I wish you saw all the great things I did in college. 

To my dad, you supported me financially throughout my uni life and i am beyond grateful. But i too wish you had spent more time talking to me on the phone. Our phone calls never last more than 30 mins and it upsets me. I haven’t seen you or anyone from our family in almost 2 years, i miss you and i wish you missed me too. Nothing will change the love i have for you though. I love you.

To Nadine, there are many reasons why our sisterly bond is so strong. You would be the one that knows the most about how much i have been struggling. Whether its body image, financially or school, you helped me through it all, just like i would help you. You always check on me and i love every minute and second of our phone calls. You’ve raised a very adorable baby who will grow and achieve great things. I love you so much and hey, you probably saw it coming. 

To Nicole and Nicholas, i love you both. You are not the best texters or the most active on your phones, but thank you for letting me know you are thinking of me when you send memes. I honestly miss when we were closer back home and i thought you would talk to me more often while I’m here in NZ, but we all get busy its okay. The favourite sibling spot is taken anyway. 

To Whaifen, hey bestie, i don’t think i have mentioned anything about my suicidal thoughts to you. But i am as mentally unstable. Thank you for the birthday gifts and wishes every year I was away. You never fail to let me know you care and you remember. You’re always the first and last person i meet when i go back during Summer (the first and last i wanna meet too). Thank you for being a great friend to me and my family. Take care of yourself. I love you.

To Kayden, we have been through a rough road and i have done things to upset you and cause our break ups in the past but what we have achieved after all this time was worth it. You have taught me things about life and money. You help me learn to talk to you when i have a problem and not lash out on you. We have been going so good and learning after every fight we have. Thank you for making me a better person. I love you to the moon and back. 

To everyone else, thank you for leaving your footprint on my path. Everything happens for a reason and your presence in my life made a difference ( you know yourself what memories we shared ) . Let’s keep the happy memories alive and kill off the rest. May you be happy always. 

Goodnight everyone x