I am genuinely trying to post more. I think it helps me get my mind off things and it also prevents me from going on a negative rant to everyone i meet. 

    Today is someone's birthday, someone who used to be very close to me but in recent years, hurt me emotionally and caused our distance. Seraphina and I have known each other since we were 7. That is 23 years, a long time. As we grew up, I changed and started to have different thoughts and opinions. I moved to New Zealand in 2018, 8 years ago now. Since the move, the only time she has ever called me was to talk about her boy trouble. It was a recurring incident until I drew the line. I stopped answering, I called her out. After that, I kept my distance. We only spoke on each other's birthdays when one party would wish the other. When I visited Singapore, I would meet up with her for dinner once? I barely have time to see everyone when I am back. Then came her wedding. She asked me to be one of her 8 bridesmaids which I agreed at first, but then declined about 5 months before the wedding due to financial struggles. She seemed to have understood on the hour long phone call we had. But I was wrong. The universe works in mysterious ways. Somehow my best friend married a guy who worked in the same company as Seraphina. What I heard after was nothing short of slander to my name. She was comparing treatment between her and my best friend, Whaifen. How crazy is that. I could be comparing the ways Whaifen has made sure I was still a part of her life even though I was so far away physically. But No. I just listened and a part of me died inside. I thought she understood why I couldn't go to the wedding. Next came my trip to Singapore. In February this year,  I went to Singapore to visit family and introduce them to Joseph. We were there for about 2 weeks. Started with Valentine's Day then Chinese New Year then My mother's 60th.  It was a short period of time and the main reason for going was to show Joseph around my hometown. One afternoon, while I was out with my brother and his girlfriend, Seraphina's mother saw me. She did not say hi or let her presence be known. She just told Sera about it. Now here's where it all goes bad. Sera did not contact me. She contacted a mutual friend, I am guessing Claire, from church. We used to all meet up when I was in Singapore visiting. After confirming that I did not reach out to either of them, she proceeded to call me some nasty things. Fair enough, It is kind of a shitty way to find out someone is in Singapore visiting and worse still, they did not ask you to meet up. That message felt like thorns on my chest. I would never say something so nasty about her. I am also hearing all this from Whaifen's husband who is forced to be the middle man because whenever Seraphina bumps into him, she can't seem to keep her mouth shut.  And about the trip, it was never my trip. It was OUR trip. Joseph and Me. 

    I have never been back to Singapore with someone before. It was all new to me. I had so many people to meet but at the same time, I had to make sure Joseph was okay with hanging out himself or coming along to meet strangers. The whole trip..he was with me, meeting MY friends and MY family. It is a lot. Most of the trip was good, but there is a tiny tiny portion of the trip that I wished me and Joseph kept a secret. That way it meant that we could be tourist without thinking about my family. My family is very important to me. I can hang out with them daily and not feel sick of it. That's why this time, the trip felt unfinished. I need to go back, myself and spend an adequate amount of time with my family. But then again, I need to go back with Joseph, secretly...Without telling my family. You know what I mean? 

    With that being said, let's talk about the reason I even thought about journalling today. This week has just been hectic. My mind is all over the place. I wake up feeling exhausted with extensive amount of screen time and lack of exercise. The weather is getting colder and my mood is just... I am languishing. 

    I have been telling people I feel like I lost my spark. I don't know who I am anymore. I have completely lost myself. Joseph seems really understanding. He told me to take as much time as I need and that he will be supporting me while I do what I need to.  But what do i need to do? 

    I remember thinking, the last time I felt the happiest would have to be in 2023. I was walking to work, working out heaps but also going out with my friends a lot. I think I was at a place where I genuinely felt okay or happy with my body. At that time, I had energy that I am struggling to find now. It is hard to explain. Joseph was still in my life throughout this year, so it is not like I am saying he dimmed my sparkle. I am trying to get back into the gym.. they do not do the exact same classes I used to do, so I have swapped it out for others. It does not feel the same. What happened? What changed? In about 3 weeks I am turning 30. I was thinking of throwing a party but now i am not so sure. This is quite scary. Losing yourself... I am not sure what else to add at this point.

 

   I am genuinely trying to post more. I think it helps me get my mind off things and it also prevents me from going on a negative rant to everyone i meet. 

    Today is someone's birthday, someone who used to be very close to me but in recent years, hurt me emotionally and caused our distance. Seraphina and I have known each other since we were 7. That is 23 years, a long time. As we grew up, I changed and started to have different thoughts and opinions. I moved to New Zealand in 2018, 8 years ago now. Since the move, the only time she has ever called me was to talk about her boy trouble. It was a recurring incident until I drew the line. I stopped answering, I called her out. After that, I kept my distance. We only spoke on each other's birthdays when one party would wish the other. When I visited Singapore, I would meet up with her for dinner once? I barely have time to see everyone when I am back. Then came her wedding. She asked me to be one of her 8 bridesmaids which I agreed at first, but then declined about 5 months before the wedding due to financial struggles. She seemed to have understood on the hour long phone call we had. But I was wrong. The universe works in mysterious ways. Somehow my best friend married a guy who worked in the same company as Seraphina. What I heard after was nothing short of slander to my name. She was comparing treatment between her and my best friend, Whaifen. How crazy is that. I could be comparing the ways Whaifen has made sure I was still a part of her life even though I was so far away physically. But No. I just listened and a part of me died inside. I thought she understood why I couldn't go to the wedding. Next came my trip to Singapore. In February this year,  I went to Singapore to visit family and introduce them to Joseph. We were there for about 2 weeks. Started with Valentine's Day then Chinese New Year then My mother's 60th.  It was a short period of time and the main reason for going was to show Joseph around my hometown. One afternoon, while I was out with my brother and his girlfriend, Seraphina's mother saw me. She did not say hi or let her presence be known. She just told Sera about it. Now here's where it all goes bad. Sera did not contact me. She contacted a mutual friend, I am guessing Claire, from church. We used to all meet up when I was in Singapore visiting. After confirming that I did not reach out to either of them, she proceeded to call me some nasty things. Fair enough, It is kind of a shitty way to find out someone is in Singapore visiting and worse still, they did not ask you to meet up. That message felt like thorns on my chest. I would never say something so nasty about her. I am also hearing all this from Whaifen's husband who is forced to be the middle man because whenever Seraphina bumps into him, she can't seem to keep her mouth shut.  And about the trip, it was never my trip. It was OUR trip. Joseph and Me. 

    I have never been back to Singapore with someone before. It was all new to me. I had so many people to meet but at the same time, I had to make sure Joseph was okay with hanging out himself or coming along to meet strangers. The whole trip..he was with me, meeting MY friends and MY family. It is a lot. Most of the trip was good, but there is a tiny tiny portion of the trip that I wished me and Joseph kept a secret. That way it meant that we could be tourist without thinking about my family. My family is very important to me. I can hang out with them daily and not feel sick of it. That's why this time, the trip felt unfinished. I need to go back, myself and spend an adequate amount of time with my family. But then again, I need to go back with Joseph, secretly...Without telling my family. You know what I mean? 

    With that being said, let's talk about the reason I even thought about journalling today. This week has just been hectic. My mind is all over the place. I wake up feeling exhausted with extensive amount of screen time and lack of exercise. The weather is getting colder and my mood is just... I am languishing. 

    I have been telling people I feel like I lost my spark. I don't know who I am anymore. I have completely lost myself. Joseph seems really understanding. He told me to take as much time as I need and that he will be supporting me while I do what I need to.  But what do i need to do? 

    I remember thinking, the last time I felt the happiest would have to be in 2023. I was walking to work, working out heaps but also going out with my friends a lot. I think I was at a place where I genuinely felt okay or happy with my body. At that time, I had energy that I am struggling to find now. It is hard to explain. Joseph was still in my life throughout this year, so it is not like I am saying he dimmed my sparkle. I am trying to get back into the gym.. they do not do the exact same classes I used to do, so I have swapped it out for others. It does not feel the same. What happened? What changed? In about 3 weeks I am turning 30. I was thinking of throwing a party but now i am not so sure. This is quite scary. Losing yourself... I am not sure what else to add at this point.