2016 : Self Love
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Hi, so i think it was about time i updated my blog as the last post was 3 months ago. I have been really busying doing stuff related to school as part of making sure I graduate. Things might not have gone the way i want them to these few months and i am here to give you all an update. Some of you would have known about the stuff already, so maybe this is a more detailed version.
SELF LOVE ♥
For those of you who have been reading this blog for quite a while, you would know my struggles with loving myself and accepting my body. I have a lot of self esteem issues and I know i am not the only one, but i have been working on it and it is getting better day by day.
The whole self esteem issue was not serious till i started poly. In poly, i am surrounded by really pretty girls and one day i started looking at people's thigh gaps and realising how much bigger i am compared to everyone else. Like i said before, the build up of people telling me i am fat or i should lose some weight got to me. Nothing happens overnight. When people said stuff like this i would just know in my heart that I am still likeable and people love me for who i am. However, as more and more people said it, it slowly started to hit me, maybe i am not as pretty as i thought or maybe people are just pretending to like me, maybe they call me fat behind my back. These were the feels building up. By the second year of my poly life, 2014, i was so torn and insecure I couldn't take it. I started gymming and doing things that made me feel good about my body and yes it worked but i always knew there was something else missing. I felt happy but it could be better. My work load piled up and my membership ended, so i didn't have the same motivation to go the gym anymore. I took a more cheaper alternative and went running, but i did not do it everyday. I felt happy with myself after i ran, but i didn't like how i look still. I took measurements of my waist everyday to see how many inches i lost or if it got bigger. I became obsessed with my body and how it looked. I hated it. I went to Bali that year as well, and i got so much attention there, people liked the way i looked, men. They told me and anda they liked our curvy bodies, and that made me think, being big was not as bad a thing. I still did not reach the level where i found my body beautiful the way it was. I still would have my pictures deleted when I looked fat and stuff, but i knew that there was something about boys saying nice stuff that i liked to hear.
When girls called me fat, it never really bothered me because i could say it back to them and not feel bad at all. It was what the boys say. I have been in a girl school for half of my life, the first time someone called me fat and i felt hurt was through a boy. It sort of went on from there. Hence, I can say now, that I am affected ONLY by what boys' say.
The years 2014-2015 contains some of the most important moments in my teenage life, sexual things, new experiences and such. For all of you reading, You would know the whole virginity thing, so this is an elaboration. Losing my virginity made me feel mature, yes, made me feel like a woman, but one thing i did not mention was that it made me feel loved, wanted. Sex is something very sacred, it's called making love because you do it with someone you love. Even though i lost it to someone not very important to me, I really felt loved. Loved in the sense where a boy thinks i am good enough, he tells me i am beautiful and everything, the good side of boys i do not really see. Since the only memories i have of boys are them calling me nasty names. This love, is what i wanted. Hence, i did it, again and again. It felt good to be loved, but this was only temporary, and i learned it the hard way.
After months of such friendships going on, I really understood that with these kind of boys, there is nothing more to it than the sex itself. These boys just know what to say at the right time to make you feel happy and give them what they want. Sometimes, the feeling is mutual and i want it too, but most of the time, i only needed the love. Its like a vending machine for compliments but is it worth it? No. I finally understood how this things worked and i trained myself to turned my feelings off to prevent myself from getting hurt. That worked, for a while. I was immune to every single compliment that boys would say because I knew after they got what they wanted, they leave. This could all happen within a span of 2 weeks to 2 months.
That was until i met, him. This is not a love story, but i did fall for him, and i fell for him hard. Why? it went past the span of 2 months and i felt like maybe he was the one i should open up to. We went on and on and i felt like safe and happy with him. One day, we were on the bed in his house and that thing happened. We were both like really happy with each other. But things changed when i got a text from this guy. He was nothing serious, a fling. He texted me saying he had Chlamydia and asked me to go and check. There were so many things going on in my mind, what if i had it? Chlamydia is serious when left untreated.
There will be chances of not being pregnant and everyone knows how badly i want a child. I got scared. I booked an appointment to check for any diseases as such. During this time, he told me he wanted a break. Just to make sure i was safe and we could go back to how things were. fucking bullshit. This was a dumb idea from the start because we could just hang out without doing anything but he insisted on the break. During the first 3 days of the break, he would get upset when other guys texted me (he made me screenshot and send him) and would insist on coming over even though everyone's awake. FYI, my family has never met him. And he only wanted to come over because he thought i invited a guy over. no trust at all. This break was supposed to last a month but i knew he just wanted to know if i was safe. When I got my results 2 weeks later, i told him i was clean and sent him the screenshot and he started telling me he doesn't want a relationship and all. Well, that just brings me back to the same situation all over again. This could all happen within a span of 2 weeks to 3 months.
There will be chances of not being pregnant and everyone knows how badly i want a child. I got scared. I booked an appointment to check for any diseases as such. During this time, he told me he wanted a break. Just to make sure i was safe and we could go back to how things were. fucking bullshit. This was a dumb idea from the start because we could just hang out without doing anything but he insisted on the break. During the first 3 days of the break, he would get upset when other guys texted me (he made me screenshot and send him) and would insist on coming over even though everyone's awake. FYI, my family has never met him. And he only wanted to come over because he thought i invited a guy over. no trust at all. This break was supposed to last a month but i knew he just wanted to know if i was safe. When I got my results 2 weeks later, i told him i was clean and sent him the screenshot and he started telling me he doesn't want a relationship and all. Well, that just brings me back to the same situation all over again. This could all happen within a span of 2 weeks to 3 months.
The Confidence Movement
I feel so stupid falling into their sneaky plans every time. I met him 10% into my confidence movement so even though i wasted my time on another dick, my confidence didn't go down like the rest. That's when i knew it was slowly taking effect.
This is what i did. I wanted to shift my focus from being more confident through boys, to being more confident through myself. I started exercising again, spending all my time on ME and no one else. I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and go, "wow you're beautiful". Take long hot baths to relax myself, put on make up, and splurge on beauty products. These made me feel good and better. it has been about 5/6 months since i have done this and my confidence is improving.
When people call me fat, i no longer take it as an insult or cry after that despite still feeling hurt. My mom says my ass is big, but i told her it is not a bad thing. I worked hard for my ass, i want a big and round butt. I do this for me, not for you to comment on. I do what i love and it makes me really really happy. My boss told me I was plump and said if i ever wanted to go far in the media industry i had to lose some weight, Well, No, boss. Times have changed. Plus size women are making it big on magazine covers, on Youtube, there is no such thing as you need to be slim to be recognised anymore. They worked hard to get recognised, I will to. And i will be recognised for my body and the body you want me to have. I feel beautiful in my own skin, there are some areas i wish were smaller still, so i am working on those areas. What i am saying is, these 5/6 months has taught me i do not need a man to tell me how beautiful I am, no words they say can amount to the emotions I feel when i look in the mirror and feel good about myself. Make up makes me feel extra good. It is all about me. I love myself and i really hope some day girls like me will do to. It takes a lot of time and I still have some insecurities but that is so normal.
So as my first post of 2016, I want to conclude this by thanking all of you who were by my side this period. It was tough for me, struggling with school and emotions, i will updated about school soon. But if you need to know, I am done with my assignments and i am waiting for my results now. Thank you to my best friend, Whaifen for being there for me, when i sneak out of my house at night and tell my sisters i am with you. & my guy best friend jensen, who will throw the harshest words at me to help me toughen up. My very good friend valerie who will nag at me to stop doing things i know i should not and following me to my appointments, Jinting for making me laugh so much i forget about the worries in the world, and sharing a make up craze with me. I love you all so much. Not forgetting Sykki, Azlyn, Chris, Sera, Fer, Andrea, Claire and Anda. Every advice you gave, and shoulder you let me cry on. Thank you. I have become stronger thanks to you all. So much love.
PS: look at the pic on top, i was not even fat, people are fucking nuts.
PS: look at the pic on top, i was not even fat, people are fucking nuts.
