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Afflicted with your presence

"I puddle at the door, my face looking like a deck of falling cards, like everything's been playing me."


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imh sounds good
Monday, September 5, 2016


Hi everyone, i am like on the verge of doing something really crazy. I do not know what is up with me but i feel like i am crazy or something. I want to check myself into a mental hospital and live there forever. I want to run away from everything now and go somewhere else and think of what i want to do in life, but i have absolutely no money for that. Well actually i do have money. I want to just book a flight and fly off tonight. I might, but the consequences. 

Everything that happened in the bible, can you event trust it? the story of the prodigal son and all. Like if i really spent all the money my parents earned and came back when i have nothing left. They won't be angry? really? I doubt it. I want to stop living now, i really do not want to live anymore. I am so lost with life, I do not know if i should study. Force myself out of bed to learn something i don't want to know about. Why would i do that? Other people's parents are letting them stay at home, stay out of trouble and giving them money while they are on break. I went out to work. Initially, i was going to work for a year and study after that. Listening to my friends who have not gotten a response from universities they applied to or having gotten rejected, i am fucking scared okay. What if no university accepts me? Plus, those that just started university are struggling and saying it is so competitive and tough. Will i even have the mental strength to pull through all that?? 

Okay like i might be thinking too far, but my mom always told me to look at the future. My parents are bringing me down a lot also, even when i am just working and stuff, they still have something to say. maybe that is why i require my one night of fun every friday, just to get rid of the load i have been keeping in over the week. It is so sad when i think suicidal thoughts and what not. Like how can anyone want to end their life right. I just feel so lost and confused, and the best thing right now is if i could end my life. Eh fuck la but jumping off the building i scared of heights, then wanna stab myself i scared pain, how am i going to die like this. I damn loser. More reasons to be annoyed with myself. I need Whaifen with me now ):