I think it has been a while since i last posted a shameless pic like this. So I am like 2 days away from my very first final. 

My mom came to visit like 2 weeks ago. It feels like it just happened. Valerie was here too. Literally one of my  THE BEST weekend I have had since i got here. She came on the 25th and we went out to eat and all, get stuff. I did not go for lectures that day. I did however, spend my time in the library after having dinner. I know what you might think. "Why would you go to the library when your mom is here?" , Well, as much as i want to spend time with her, My exams are in 2 weeks and I really do not have time to waste. My weekend was basically like that. Spending the day with mom and studying at night.  On Saturday it was different. Valerie came on the same dates as my mum, so to compromise, we decided to just go out as a big group, my mum and her family. We went for lunch and I brought her to thrift shops as promised. We also visited Baldwin Street : The steepest street in the world. They had already gone, but my mum wanted to go, so they drove us there anyway. How sweet right? We also got ice cream. heh , here are some pictures, not the best quality though, sorry.

It was a really fun filled day with them. Valerie came over to my dorm after dropping my mum off at her airbnb to rest. We had a really good talk. We went to Macs to meet Nadiah also. Valerie's dad sent us back when we were done. I did not study that day but it was time well spent.

 Now comes the sad part. It was Sunday,  the day Valerie and my mum were leaving. I already said my goodbyes to Valerie, it was my mum I couldn't bear to say goodbye to. That night, i crawled up to the bed and i was just hugging my mum and tearing. I really did not want her to go. I woke up the next day, to get ready for church, and it was raining. We said a prayer before leaving the airbnb, during which she started crying. That got me super emotional. We went to church and the whole time i was just crying. Two reasons, one, praising God hits me in the feels, especially when i am guilty for not going to church in so long. Two, my mum was leaving in a few hours. We were walking to a cafe for breakfast after church ended and she asked me," why are you so quiet? you sad?" I mean mum, come on, obviously you know. I told her i was just cold anyway. 

We had breakfast at this place near my school and i have been wanting to try. It's called The Good Earth. I enjoyed the food so much but the company was better. After eating, we just went for a little walk in the park and to New World to get some more groceries.  My mum was really intrigued by this tree, she went so close just for a picture, it was so cute, so i took a picture too. 

After coming back to my hall, and resting for a bit, she had to leave. I sent her off and just went straight to my room. What did i do? cry. haha for like a solid hour. Just balling my eyes out to music. I  honestly felt better after that. I felt so much better. She brought so many snacks for me, so many things in my room remind me of her now. 

Anyway, for my usual update, many things have been on my mind. My dad losing his hearing, my sister telling me about dark thoughts that fill her mind, my mum worrying about my dad, me struggling with Chemistry. It has been a hard month for me. Not the hardest I have experienced but one of them. Literally feeling so much pressure to do well but no one is pressuring me at all.  I just keep thinking about what people might say if I did not get where i wanted to go. you know?? Help. My mum keeps telling me," If you are not happy, tell us and we will bring you home". That just makes me want to push myself further.  I am worried about thing going on at home, but I know I should focus on my tests now. I  just need to score 79 on my test to get to where i want to go. God I pray it works out well I really do. 

I have been having suicidal thoughts again. Like what if i just end everything, will the pressure be gone by then? all the anxiety i am feeling? I don't know, i just feel so much pain inside my body and my mind, not physical pain but pain. It is uncomfortable and I cannot sleep at night. I just want it to go away, asap. Till then, I am just going to push through and do my best. xx

I think it has been a while since i last posted a shameless pic like this. So I am like 2 days away from my very first final. 

My mom came to visit like 2 weeks ago. It feels like it just happened. Valerie was here too. Literally one of my  THE BEST weekend I have had since i got here. She came on the 25th and we went out to eat and all, get stuff. I did not go for lectures that day. I did however, spend my time in the library after having dinner. I know what you might think. "Why would you go to the library when your mom is here?" , Well, as much as i want to spend time with her, My exams are in 2 weeks and I really do not have time to waste. My weekend was basically like that. Spending the day with mom and studying at night.  On Saturday it was different. Valerie came on the same dates as my mum, so to compromise, we decided to just go out as a big group, my mum and her family. We went for lunch and I brought her to thrift shops as promised. We also visited Baldwin Street : The steepest street in the world. They had already gone, but my mum wanted to go, so they drove us there anyway. How sweet right? We also got ice cream. heh , here are some pictures, not the best quality though, sorry.

It was a really fun filled day with them. Valerie came over to my dorm after dropping my mum off at her airbnb to rest. We had a really good talk. We went to Macs to meet Nadiah also. Valerie's dad sent us back when we were done. I did not study that day but it was time well spent.

 Now comes the sad part. It was Sunday,  the day Valerie and my mum were leaving. I already said my goodbyes to Valerie, it was my mum I couldn't bear to say goodbye to. That night, i crawled up to the bed and i was just hugging my mum and tearing. I really did not want her to go. I woke up the next day, to get ready for church, and it was raining. We said a prayer before leaving the airbnb, during which she started crying. That got me super emotional. We went to church and the whole time i was just crying. Two reasons, one, praising God hits me in the feels, especially when i am guilty for not going to church in so long. Two, my mum was leaving in a few hours. We were walking to a cafe for breakfast after church ended and she asked me," why are you so quiet? you sad?" I mean mum, come on, obviously you know. I told her i was just cold anyway. 

We had breakfast at this place near my school and i have been wanting to try. It's called The Good Earth. I enjoyed the food so much but the company was better. After eating, we just went for a little walk in the park and to New World to get some more groceries.  My mum was really intrigued by this tree, she went so close just for a picture, it was so cute, so i took a picture too. 

After coming back to my hall, and resting for a bit, she had to leave. I sent her off and just went straight to my room. What did i do? cry. haha for like a solid hour. Just balling my eyes out to music. I  honestly felt better after that. I felt so much better. She brought so many snacks for me, so many things in my room remind me of her now. 

Anyway, for my usual update, many things have been on my mind. My dad losing his hearing, my sister telling me about dark thoughts that fill her mind, my mum worrying about my dad, me struggling with Chemistry. It has been a hard month for me. Not the hardest I have experienced but one of them. Literally feeling so much pressure to do well but no one is pressuring me at all.  I just keep thinking about what people might say if I did not get where i wanted to go. you know?? Help. My mum keeps telling me," If you are not happy, tell us and we will bring you home". That just makes me want to push myself further.  I am worried about thing going on at home, but I know I should focus on my tests now. I  just need to score 79 on my test to get to where i want to go. God I pray it works out well I really do. 

I have been having suicidal thoughts again. Like what if i just end everything, will the pressure be gone by then? all the anxiety i am feeling? I don't know, i just feel so much pain inside my body and my mind, not physical pain but pain. It is uncomfortable and I cannot sleep at night. I just want it to go away, asap. Till then, I am just going to push through and do my best. xx